Somewhere in Gotham City, beneath the gloom and the doom (and a LOT of pollution), there is one mythical cave that houses the hero's of the city... and something has gone hideously wrong...
Kevin/Alfred: *Runs into room* Batman! Batman! I was tending to the lawn again and someone stole your scarf!
Brian/Batman: MY SCARF?!
Kevin/Alfred: I'm sorry but I didn't get to finish counting the grass yesterday, I had to start all over again!
Brian/Batman: Forget about that! My scarf is gone?!
Kevin/Alfred: Yes, I'm sorry. Let me make it up to you, I can get tickets to Chicago!
Brian/Batman: I'm a fabulously wealthy millionaire, but for some strange reason I only have one scarf! Nothing can make up for losing my Wylee scarf, Alfred!
Kevin/Alfred: Really? You're kidding me right?
Brian/Batman: ROBIN! ROBIN!
Nick/Robin: *runs in* I was playing video games when I heard yelling... What's going on?
Brian/Batman: TO THE BATCAVE! WE HAVE A FASHION CRISIS!
Kevin/Alfred: Oh for god sakes it's a SCARF!
Nick/Robin: *Slides down Bat Pole*
Brian/Batman: My ensemble is incomplete!
Kevin/Alfred: Incomplete? Sounds like a song title
Nick/Robin: Holy neck scarf Batman! WHO could have done such a thing?
Brian/Batman: Hmmmm... That Falafel guy was looking at me funny yesterday... And that newspaper delivery guy is cleverly disguised as an 8 year old boy...
Kevin/Alfred: I would chalk it up to the Riddler
Brian/Batman: The Riddler? Huh? So not the Falafel guy?
Kevin/Alfred: NO
Nick/Robin: *Gasp* Not the Riddler!
Brian/Batman: The Pizza guy?
Kevin/Alfred: Maybe even the Penguin!
Brian/Batman: How about my broker?
Kevin/Alfred: How the hell did you guys get this job?
Nick/Robin: The Penguin! *gasps*
Brian/Batman: Oh. Right. actual villains...WHAT A DASTARDLY DEED!
Kevin/Alfred: Maybe even you know who... HER... CATWOMAN!
Nick/Robin: Come to think of it... I saw a cat in here earlier!
Brian/Batman: So what should we do?
Kevin/Alfred: I would say go and get your damn scarf!
Brian/Batman: We should go battle the hot woman in leather, the short guy and the man in green spandex?
Kevin/Alfred: Uh yeah! That would be good!
Brian/Batman: What if we just pray for them instead?
Kevin/Alfred: NO!
Brian/Batman: Send them all happy vibes?
Kevin/Alfred: Seriously, in all honesty HOW did you get this job?
Brian/Batman: Ummm... I'm rich and hot. ROBIN! TO THE BATMOBILE!
Nick/Robin: *Does karate moves* I'm ready Batman!
Kevin/Alfred: About time Doofusmonkies!
Brian/Batman: Robin, remind me to fire him! *Bolts for Batcave stairs to Batmobile*
Nick/Robin: *Jumps into Batmobile*
Meanwhile somewhere across town in an evil lair...
Howie/Penguin: *smokes cigar*
AJ/Riddler: So, now that we have the scarf, what are we gonna do with it? Riddle me THAT!
Howie/Penguin: I think we should put it on Ebay, sell it to the highest bidder.
Leighanne/Catwoman: NO! I mean... we can keep it and embrace it. We can hump it! *smiles*
AJ/Riddler: *Tugs on crotch of skin tight suit* Whose bright idea was it for me to wear this f**kin' thing?
Howie/Penguin: No we are NOT going to hump it Catwoman. Riddler, it was your choice to wear it, it's not my fault you look like a cucumber!
AJ/Riddler: Penguin... Why don't you go waddle off a bridge or something?
Leighanne/Catwoman: *hisses* Now THAT'S an incredible idea Riddler.
Howie/Penguin: *Shakes head*
AJ/Riddler: OK... Back to the scarf... Ebay... *rubs hands together* We could make MILLIONS!!!
Leighanne/Catwoman: *Talks through teeth* You won't, but I will. MUST HUMP IT!
Howie/Penguin: I want money, lots of money. I can buy a new hotel!
AJ/Riddler: If we Ebay it, we can get a nice new evil light with a question mark in it to overshadow the Batman symbol.
Howie/Penguin: Yeah, and make lots of money! *grins*
Leighanne/Catwoman: I think we should keep it. I could wear it for you guys. NOTHING BUT THE SCARF! *Blinks seductively and licks lips*
Howie/Penguin: Well it's better than looking at this cucumber here I guess *Winks*
AJ/Riddler: Catwoman... We are NOT keeping the damn scarf!!! Just think, we can sell this one and you can buy MORE scarves with you cut of the money!
Leighanne/Catwoman: But it goes so well with two of my 3456 purses... *pouts*
AJ/Riddler: Hey YOU! You in the black and white tuxedo! Who are you again? *looks at Howie/Penguin*
Howie/Penguin: THE PENGUIN! Evil mastermind behind this evil plan... Remember?!
AJ/Riddler: Oh right.. Well, why don't you start the Ebay account and we get rid of this f**kin' thing before Catwoman stains it like Monica Lewinsky's dress!
Leighanne/Catwoman: Uh... EEEEWWW! I'll be wearing my underwear while I hump it!
AJ/Riddler: Mmmhmmmm... I've never seen panty lines in that suit. Believe me, I've checked you out...
Howie/Penguin: Just DON'T de-value it!
Leighanne/Catwoman: Look, here's the thing, it's just a scarf! Lets just keep it and maybe we can steal something else from the Batcave?! That Robin dude has some kick ass video games and a karaoke machine... *Purrs*
Outside the evil lair...
Nick/Robin: No Batman... I think you need to make a LEFT on 5th Avenue...
Brian/Batman: Robin! We have arrived at the impenetrable fortress of evil! OH. that was a left?
Kevin/Alfred: You don't have a GPS? What kind of millionaire ARE you?
Brian/Batman: Wait... this is Starbucks
Nick/Robin: Can I have coffee?
Kevin/Alfred: No coffee.
Nick/Robin: PLEASE???
Brian/Batman: Alfred! How often must we talk about you stowing away in the trunk?! Robin, you can have some bird seed later.
Kevin/Alfred: Counting grass gets lonely
Nick/Robin: Bird seed? Is that like Wheatgrass?
Brian/Batman: CHIRP!
Kevin/Alfred: Will you STOP with that! Believe it or not, no one finds that cute!
Brian/Batman: BATMAN'S BACK ALRIGHT!
Kevin/Alfred: Oh geeze!
Brian/Batman: Is this an evil warehouse? Gas station? Where are we?
Kevin/Alfred: I told you to buy the GPS when you got this thing!
Brian/Batman: Robin, use your mighty hyperactive skills to assess the situation!
Nick/Robin: I'll run around the block and check it out!
Kevin/Alfred: So... You ever seen Chicago?
Brian/Batman: No... I will read from the bible while Robin is gone, so we are all inspired! *smiles*
Kevin/Alfred: Even though you read it this morning?
Brian/Batman: And you had tea this morning. What about it? Now I've been wondering... Does a butler buttle or butle?
Kevin/Alfred: *Shouts to Robin* Hurry it up bird boy!
Nick/Robin: *Comes back out of breath* It's... 2 blocks... left... no right... wait... which one is which again?
Brian/Batman: Its left, right?
Nick/Robin: *Looks at hands ... puts L up to forehead* Yeah left
Brian/Batman: Right, left?
Nick/Robin: No... left, RIGHT?
Kevin/Alfred: No right is not left
Brian/Batman: Right, a right then a left... *turns wheel* Two lefts don't make a right?!
Kevin/Alfred: Actually they do
Nick/Robin: 2 lefts, then a right?
Brian/Batman: Wait, two wrongs don't make a right, RIGHT?
Kevin/Alfred: OH WILL YOU JUST DRIVE!
Brian/Batman: Who's on first?
Nick/Robin: What?
Kevin/Alfred: Don't even start with that again ... I was ready to shoot you both the first time!
Nick/Robin: There it is!!!
Brian/Batman: Ah HAA! An eeevil, impenetrable lair! Should we repel through the skylight? Through in bat shaped gas bombs?
Nick/Robin: Oooohhh! Ya! Let's do that!
Kevin/Alfred: Why don't you try the door?
Brian/Batman: And then we can use the bat-erangs! ... The what?
Nick/Robin: The "door"?
Brian/Batman: The ... door? *looks at Robin* Huh? What do you with it?
Kevin/Alfred: THE DOOR! It's a hole in the wall you can walk through ... I really want to know how I didn't get to be Batman.
Nick/Robin: A hole? Where?? *starts scaling the building*
Brian/Batman: Can we throw bat shaped gas bombs through it?
Kevin/Alfred: Sure, why not ...
Brian/Batman: YAY!
Kevin/Alfred: *rolls eyes*
Nick/Robin: I can't find the hole Batman ...
Brian/Batman: Robin, to the "door"! This seems to be an oddly place piece of wood ... We turn it, and it opens?
Nick/Robin: So I just turn this handle?
Kevin/Alfred: Yes ... very good
Nick/Robin: *slowly pushes door open*
Brian/Batman: Wow. *steps back to avoid booby traps* *GASP!* Holy darkness, Robin! Villains!
Howie/Penguin: Curses! Our evil plot has been foiled! Its the Batman! And his boyfriend!
Brian/Batman: Dude, not my boyfriend. Sidekick.
Kevin/Alfred: Yeah right.
Nick/Robin: Ah ha! ... It is Penguin ... and The Riddler ... and ... oh no! ... Catwoman!
Leighanne/Catwoman: Did he really need to bring the boyfriend? Gosh...
Brian/Batman: SIDEKICK!
Kevin/Alfred: Uh huh, you tell yourself that.
Brian/Batman: I mean, AH HA! EVILDOERS, YOUR ... DAY OF EVIL IS OVER!
AJ/Riddler: It's a little man in a rubber suit and a tall guy in tights with his underwear on the outside! What SHALL we do??
Nick/Robin: Hey, hey, hey ... I'll have you know I'm going commando!
Kevin/Alfred: Eww!
Brian/Batman: I AM HERE WITH MY TRUSTY SIDEKICK TO CLAIM MY SCARF! *to Robin* Dude. You aren't helping.
AJ/Riddler: It's too late! We have already shipped your scarf out to the highest bidder!! Mwhahahahahaha!!!
Howie/Penguin: Mwhahahahaha! Catwoman ... entertain our friends here.
Leighanne/Catwoman: I sure will Penguin, maybe one of them might enjoy some whip and a shirt with my face on it.
Brian/Batman: MY SCARF!
Nick/Robin: Give us the scarf, or else ... HIIIII-YA *does karate moves*
Kevin/Alfred: I don't get why you're so protective of an ugly ass scarf?
Brian/Batman: UGLY? IT STANDS FOR ALL THINGS MORAL AND GOOD--and 100% cotton, you can get yours at ...
AJ/Riddler: Riddle me this ... how long have you guys been a couple??
Brian/Batman: Dude, stop acting so gay--I want my scarf back!
Nick/Robin: Gay? ... He's the gay one! *points to Penguin*
Kevin/Alfred: Knew it!
Howie/Penguin: I AM NOT GAY! How dare you!
Nick/Robin: Suuurrrrreee!
Brian/Batman: Who angered the short kid?
Kevin/Alfred: Yeah, and if he's a Penguin shouldn't he be somewhere cold? Don't want the little fellow to melt.
Howie/Penguin: You two come in here dressed like that and say I'M gay?
Brian/Batman: NOW MY SIDEKICK AND I SHALL RIGHTEOUSLY KICK YOUR BUTTS! ... Go ahead Robin ... Kick their butts!
Nick/Robin: *BLAM!* *POW!*
Brian/Batman: *BAM!*
Kevin/Alfred: Why am I here again? Ooh look ceiling tiles 1...2...3...
Nick/Robin: *KABAM!*
AJ/Riddler: *KABOOM!*
Howie/Penguin: *Pow!*
Brian/Batman: *FART* Oh ...'scuse me.
Howie/Penguin: Awww, that stinks, what's wrong with you?
Brian/Batman: Bat gas.
Nick/Robin: Hahahahahaha! Batman farted!! *starts rolling on the ground*
Leighanne/Catwoman: Farting boy, that was nasty but I'd still rub my latex all ovah you. *holds whip*
Brian/Batman: Oooooh.
Kevin/Alfred: 10...11...12, this place has ALOT of ceiling tiles.
Leighanne/Catwoman: Don't mind them, why don't you and I go over there and share some spanking? You like that dont ya?
Brian/Batman: Oh, spanking? Excuse me Robin, I must go be distracted by--er--defeat this evil feline ... yummmy ... mmmm.
Nick/Robin: He farted!! *still rolling*
AJ/Riddler: *whispers to Penguin* Let's grab giggling boy and kidnap him while the stink gas is distracting them.
Howie/Penguin: *sneaks up and ties scarf around Robins head*
Nick/Robin: Help!! I can't see! Batman!!
Brian/Batman: Ooh, I dunno, never thought about--ROBIN!
Leighanne/Catwoman: That's not so interesting ... look!! I can also show you some really awesome handbags.
Brian/Batman: Handbags, you say?
Howie/Penguin: *to Riddler* Lets get him and the scarf up stairs.
Leighanne/Catwoman: We can run away, you me and the scarf.
Brian/Batman: Are they wholesale marketable?
Kevin/Alfred: Oh come on, don't take him. Then who's going to hold Batman when he cries? Not me!
AJ/Riddler: *grabs laughing boy and hauls him upstairs*
Nick/Robin: You'll all be sorry!
Brian/Batman: Wait, I need to ask my sidekick before I make any financial decisions ... Robin? *glances around* Robin?
Leighanne/Catwoman: What? Dude, I'm offering you sex, Robin can't even find the hole, I CAN MAKE YOU HAPPY!
Nick/Robin: Nooo!! Just. Let. Me. Get. My. Hands. Untied!
Brian/Batman: Tied? Damn, this girl is kinky. Wait, TIED?!! Robin, I will SAVE you!
Nick/Robin: GAH!! I made the knot worse!
AJ/Riddler: Dumbass ... quit squirming!
Howie/Penguin: No, you can't have Robin! I'm going to sell him on Ebay!
Nick/Robin: Ebay?!? But LD ... they'll find me!
Brian/Batman: Robin, oh Robin, you always stuck around while I was acting the clown. *sobs* I. Must. Summon. Inner. Strength.
AJ/Riddler: OOOO. there's an idea! As soon as the teeny fangirls know we have him, we could really make a bundle! They love this freaky sidekick for some reason.
Howie/Penguin: What do you think? ... $1 million? ... $2 million?
Brian/Batman: I will overcome this obstacle!
Kevin/Alfred: Please don't take him! You know how embarassing it is to hold a grown man while he cries? In a costume no less?Damn!
Brian/Batman: I will give a grandiose speech!
Leighanne/Catwoman: I.Must.Finish.Gay.Couple
Kevin/Alfred: See now he's going to talk ... you don't want that.
Brian/Batman: I will--damn, I will get my butt moving! Never fear, Robin!
Nick/Robin: Hey do you guys have any coffee?
Kevin/Alfred: No coffee for him!
Howie/Penguin: Maybe $3 million, I could use a new hotel.
AJ/Riddler: *smacks Robin upside the head* I think NOT!
Howie/Penguin: Don't hit him you cucumber!
AJ/Riddler: Damn!! Sorry about that ...*readjusts self*... And don't call me a cucumber damnit!! It's the last villian suit they had left!!
Nick/Robin: What's that shiny thing?
Brian/Batman: Catwoman, forsake your evil ways--and I will buy you a Dolce handbag!
Kevin/Alfred: I really want to know how they got this job.
Leighanne/Catwoman: A DOLCE?? YES!!! NO!!!
Brian/Batman: You know you waaaaant it. You haaaave to haaave ittt!
Kevin/Alfred: Seriously, I would SO make a better Batman.
Leighanne/Catwoman: NO!! I want the SCARF! I'll use the whip on you!!
Nick/Robin: It shinnnneeesss ... and gloooowwwwsss ... sooo pretttyyyy.
Howie/Penguin: What's the matter with this kid?
AJ/Riddler: He's blonde ... 'nuff said!
Leighanne/Catwoman: But it IS a Dolce I mean...*scratchs head*
Brian/Batman: Catwoman, I will start a handbag company WITH you! And that's my final offer!
Leighanne/Catwoman: A handbag company?? *daydreams* AND we could sell shirts with my face on them!!
Kevin/Alfred: Or maybe I could be a good Spiderman ...
Leighanne/Catwoman: The Riddler would SO wear them!
Brian/Batman: Done! Now, on to the next villain!
Kevin/Alfred: Superman ... I would make a damn fine Superman!
Nick/Robin: Hey ... can we turn the football game on?
Howie/Penguin: Do you want to use my Ebay account or yours Riddler?
AJ/Riddler: Ummmm ... yours ... I don't wear that funky ass shit!!
Brian/Batman: HEY RIDDLER!
Nick/Robin: BATMAN!
Howie/Penguin: Shut it! *punches Robin in eye*
AJ/Riddler: So we finally meet Batman.
Nick/Robin: OW!! My eye!! Batman!! He hit me in the eye!
Brian/Batman: RIDDLE ME THIS, RIDDLE ME THAT... IF YOU CAN REMEMBER YOUR ORIGINAL HAIR COLOR, I'M JUST A SAD SACK!
Kevin/Alfred: Anyone think I'd make a good Superman?
AJ/Riddler: OMG OMG OMG ...*thinks really hard*... I ... CAN'T... REMEMBERRRRRRRRRR!!! *sinks down, rocks back and forth sucking thumb*
Brian/Batman: Ah HA! Penguin!
Howie/Penguin: *starts typing prices into Ebay* Yes?
Brian/Batman: I have defeated/bribed all your cohorts! I want my bird brained friend back!
Kevin/Alfred: Or no wait! I can be The Green Lantern ... yeah ...
Howie/Penguin: *points to Alfred* Batman ... didn't he leave years ago?
Kevin/Alfred: Bird brained is a good way to describe him ... Hey!
Brian/Batman: I just keep hiring guys named Alfred *shrugs* I like the name.
Howie/Penguin: Oh, is that a finacially wise decision?
Brian/Batman: Financially ... hmmm.... well, he is snarky. And insubordinate.
Kevin/Alfred: And can kick your ass.
Brian/Batman: See? But this Alfred was actually my cousin, because I cleared out the butler's agency of Alfreds.
Nick/Robin: This Alfred is bossy!
Howie/Penguin: Anyway ... Mwhahahahaha! I have Robin! What are you going to do about it?
Brian/Batman: I'm going to ...
Nick/Robin: I'm just gonna admit it ... I have a man crush on Brett Farve!
Kevin/Alfred: Really? Because from the sounds coming from the Batcave, I thought Batman was your man crush.
Nick/Robin: No, no! Batman and I are just bffs ... he's my shawty ... or wait ... maybe I'm his?
Howie/Penguin: Shut it kid!
Brian/Batman: Hmm. I'm going to think this through thoroughly.
AJ/Riddler: *takes thumb outta mouth* YOU'RE TOO TALL TO BE SHAWTY DUMBASS!! *sticks thumb back in mouth and continues to rock*
Nick/Robin: You're right Riddler ... he's definitely my shawty!
Kevin/Alfred: What other superheros could I be?
Brian/Batman: Well, your friends weren't all that tough to defeat ... and my friend's not all that bright ... What if we solve this amicably?
Howie/Penguin: Do you have any money? Can you pay me more than Ebay for him?
Nick/Robin: No!! Just punch him Batman!
Brian/Batman: *takes out batcheckbook* What'd ya want for 'im?
Howie/Penguin: Well you know your bat cave?
Brian/Batman: Yes, I'm quite fond of -- hey, you aren't supposed to know about THAT!
Kevin/Alfred: Wonder Woman? ... I could pull off a skirt pretty well.
Nick/Robin: *falls asleep*
Howie/Penguin: If you let me double your rent we could have a deal.
AJ/Riddler: *takes thumb outta mouth again* Throw in my porn collection if it will help! *sticks thumb back in mouth*
Brian/Batman: Double the rent ...
Howie/Penguin: Yes, double.
Brian/Batman: Including utilities? Because the heat ain't cheap.
Howie/Penguin: *considers*
Brian/Batman: And this one over here likes to flush the toilet while you're in the shower, so the water isn't low either.
Nick/Robin: *wakes up* Boobies!!! ... I mean ... what?
Kevin/Alfred: Why am I here? I have grass to count!
Brian/Batman: I can double the rent, not the utilities.
Howie/Penguin: You know what ... its a deal! I'll only double the rent, just get Alfred outta here he scares me!
Nick/Robin: It's the eyebrows right?
Howie/Penguin: Yeah ... and the rambling.
AJ/Riddler: *chants* Scary eyebrows ... but I think I'm gonna miss him ...
Kevin/Alfred: Didn't someone tell you to waddle off a bridge a while ago? Go do it!
Brian/Batman: Now, about the leaky faucet ... it drips a lot. Can you fix that? Also, Robin broke a door.
Nick/Robin: It was an accident!!
Brian/Batman: That needs repairing. So I'll need to deduct that ...*takes out bat calculator*
Howie/Penguin: Well I'm not fixing anything thats taking the piss!
Nick/Robin: Hahahahahaha! ... He said piss!
Brian/Batman: Not fixing?
Howie/Penguin: No ... fixing ... that costs money.
Brian/Batman: Well, I'm gonna want money off for that ... I mean, bat shaped doors aren't cheap ... neither is renter's insurance for caves.
Kevin/Alfred: Neither is cleaning the damn place
Brian/Batman: You should see the policy I have to carry just to let the blond one run around!
Kevin/Alfred: I told you about the padded walls, you said no!
Howie/Penguin: Yeah, but what about the damage you have done to the driveway?
Brian/Batman: Driveway? Oh. Yeah, he likes to burn out. Okay, so I'll give on the driveway, if you'll fix the door.
Howie/Penguin: Look just take Alfred and Robin and GO! I'm not parting with any money.
Nick/Robin: Can someone untie me? I haven't tweeted in hours!!!
Brian/Batman: I'M COMING ROBIN! *runs to untie Robin* Robin, to the "door"!
AJ/Riddler: *peeks thru fingers* Are they gone yet?
Nick/Robin: *starts kicking the rocking Riddler* hehehehehe!
Howie/Penguin: Hey!!!
Kevin/Alfred: Alright lets go ...
Nick/Robin: TO THE DOOR!
AJ/Riddler: You're just lucky you aren't dressed in a furry tiger suit bird boy!!
Brian/Batman:*runs away, cape billowing behind ... theme plays*
Kevin/Alfred: Weirdo.
Howie/Penguin: I'll get you next time Batman and your boyfriend! Mwhahahahahaha!!
AJ/Riddler: Yeah! What the gay guy in the tuxedo said!!
Nick/Robin: WE'RE PARTNERS!! *slams into batmobile* OW!
Back in the Bat Cave ...
Brian/Batman: Robin, we saved you, and now, we just need to get my scarf off Ebay!
Nick/Robin: Ok, no problem Batman! *types feverishly*
Kevin/Alfred: Finally! Now I can get back to my grass counting.
Brian/Batman: I think there's just one thing left to say...
Nick/Robin: Can we have Jello now??
Brian/Batman: Jello?
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