A Noisy NKOTBSB Review

Before I begin, I would just like to fore warn any potential new readers of a couple of things. #1 I tease because I love. This is a humour site and it’s all meant to be very tongue and cheek., so try not to get too offended. #2 This is not gonna be your typical review with a play by play of everything that happened. Although there will be some spoilers so if you don’t wanna know, I’d stop reading now.

It was a hot night on the 9^th of June when I went to see NKOTBSB in Toronto. They’d been asking me since that fateful American Music Awards performance, “can’t you see, can’t you see, N-K-O-T-B-S-B?” It was then that I could finally say “Yes, I can see you, please stop harassing me!” It was the second of two shows in Toronto, not that it made any difference since all of the boys performed like the Energizer Bunny on crack. Even Howie seemed more excited then usual … HOWIE! He’s supposed to be the responsible one who just looks at the rest of them like “WHY must I share a stage with these idiots?”

We were seated in what I was jokingly calling “The Squirt Zone” (aka the tip of the penis). Turns out … not a joke. That’s right, the penis stage jizzes on you. Not even five minutes into the show and streams of white and silver were shooting out at us. Now I know everyone was very excited but DAMN!! I thought it would hold up longer then that. And I’m not really sure what the silver was about. I’m a little concerned that someone’s picked up some funky STD over the years and now things just aren’t quite right down there.

Now you’ll notice that I said that I WAS calling it The Squirt Zone, as in past tense. After having spent an entire show there I am now calling it “The Death Zone”. In other words, if you are sitting there, prepare to die! Now of course I don’t mean literally, obviously I’m still alive if I can type this out but, it gets CA-RAY-ZAY down there. First you’ll have to manage to survive the high levels of sexiness, and believe me, from that close, the sexiness is quite overwhelming. Then you’ll have to survive the fact that Backstreet Boys and at least one New Kid WILL pass RIGHT by you. I now know what it’s like to have Nick Carter walk two feet in front of you when you’re in an arena filled with 20,000 girls who want to bang him. NOT. CUTE. Even with Nick’s unreasonably high level of good lookingness. My advice, elbows up and start hitting bitches. It’s the only way they’ll learn.

The camaraderie between the boys is very endearing … and sometimes a little creepy. Take the end of this particular show for example. First Jordan points out how handsome Nick is. Ok, kind of stating the obvious, I can live with that. Then Joey and Brian sing love songs to each other. I’m a little afraid but, I suppose they are just showing their appreciation for the music. Now there was a lot of screaming so I cannot be 100% sure about this next thing, but I’m fairly sure Howie said something about Danny “bringing the wood”. I can’t explain that one away, I’m disturbed. Then Danny refers to Howie as “The Latin Lover” and Howie proceeds to shake his ass apparently to the utter delight of all of the other boys who all proceed to then discuss Howie’s ass shaking. On the penis stage. And they’re calling themselves New Kids On The Backstreet Boys. Need I say more? Well apparently I do since the homoeroticism wasn’t over yet and Donnie kissed Nick. Now it was on the cheek but given everything else and the fact that they are not Italian relatives greeting each other, I’d say that’s not exactly normal heterosexual male behaviour. But hey, I don’t judge. Everyone is free to be you and me so, whatever floats your boat gentlemen.

All in all I must say that I really did enjoy the show. The Boys were fantastic as usual and the New Kids gave me plenty of opportunities to go pee or sit down and relax, check my phone and chat to the people. Although some of the sounds that come out of those guys, YIKES! I’m fairly sure at one point there was a note sung so high, only dogs could hear it. Someone should really ask if they have to be kicked in the nuts before they sing like that. Although I’ve yet to hear Nick being asked if he’s ever licked a battery so, I won’t hold out hope. Anyhoo, I had a TON of fun, if you get the chance you really should get out and see it for yourself. But if for some reason you can’t, then I hope this noisy review gave you a little more insight into what Boy-Band-Palooza 2011 was really like. TTFN my friends!

Dianne