The new Dear BSB goes live this weekend (because, well, Beth decided it would), and we have a Halloween piece in the works! Also coming soon? More Dark Side chats!
For now, Dear BSB: Never Gone.
Dear BSB:
I always thought I was a good fan.
I’ve never stalked you. I haven’t camped out on any of yours lawns or gone through your mail. I own weird fan items like the giant Millennium pencil. I’ve never pretended to be married to one of you. I’ve bought every album. I cried when you cried on tv. I’ve dutifully told every *N Sync fan I’ve met how wrong they are.
So where did I go so wrong as to deserve this?
Because it would seem that despite my loyalty my little Mac notebook cannot and will not play the deluxe copy of Never Gone I obediently purchased on release day, 2005.
Now I have to sit here in 2009 with my ipod headphones hooked up to my 2004 Sony boombox rather than my sleek ipod touch in its Lamborghini yellow case, because you also haven’t posted this album anywhere online.
I understand that to be a BSB fan sometimes we have to swallow our pride, but this one hurts. Good thing I have the pretty insert photos to console me. And if I put this in the dvd player, I’d also have footage of Nick mooning the camera.
WHY OH WHY CAN’T THIS PLAY ON MY MAC?
Guess I have some questions…and maybe a little frustration.
Now for the review….
“Incomplete”:
Ah, the piano intro. Kevvvviiiinnnnn. *sniff*Oh, here we go. “Empty spaces fill me up with holes.” Backstreet Philosophy hit #1 to Never Gone.
Nick prays “for this heart to be unbroken.” And on track one, there was swooning, while AJ is “swimming in an ocean all alone.” Yeah, I BET that happens. You get shirtless, and no one notices.
“I don’t wanna make you/face this world alone/I wanna let you go.” Eh? I thought you didn’t want me to face the world alone? Then what’s with the letting go? “I’ll never let go, Jack, I’ll never”…sorry. Wrong quote.
This is where we would have embedded the video for you, but BSBVideoVault disabled that option, and the others are not great quality. So Dear BSB, we'd like to use your videos.
“Just Want You to Know”:
“Nothing I could do could protect me from you that night.” Oh Nick, we need to have a talk: body armor, mace, bodyguards, police escort, barbwire fence, security system, restraining orders. That’ll keep most women away.
Well, if they aren’t from LD. Then it’s just a challenge: you boys play hard to get!
Oh, more “nights that never end”? You guys are insomniacs. You have “nights that never end”, and then “love’ll keep you up all night”…small wonder you needed a song called “Last Night You Saved My Life.” You were probably losing it due to sleep exhaustion! Catch some shut eye now and then! I know you’re afraid because nothing protects you from this woman, but really.
And Howie gets to vocally elaborate…for less than two seconds. Ah, the days when there were five guys and not enough good parts.
But you know what really kills me? The bridge. Because you can hear Nick lick his lips. I actually turn it up in the car when it gets to the bridge.
Hmm. Song’s over. Let’s rewind it to the bridge one more time…because I’m not discussing this video. Yikes. Leather panties, 80’s hair, and eyeliner, oh my!
And here..hmm, also no video. Because even if they said we could use it...they don't have it. HUH? Are you guys really that embarrassed?
“Crawling Back to You”:
Anyone else confuse this with “Climbing the Walls”? No? Just me then.
Hi Brian! Nice to hear from you! Where’ve you been the whole album? Also, hate to tell you: you’re too nice to break anyone’s heart.
Ah, more BSB on BSB violence. Pride spilling, hands and knees bruised, and crawling. Don’t give up your pride, guys. We’re still worried about the damage that burger King commercial may have caused.
And it’s kinda creepy that you know she’s “in there/ You can make me wait/ I’m not going away.” You know the scary girl in the last song? Yeah, you’re becoming her. But it’s nice you don’t blame her for being mad. Wait till next album, when you get ticked off over the fact that you’re “already dead/ I already said/ I’m sorry.”
STOP BANGING ON THE DOOR! No, she’s not “going to let” you in! She’s going to call the cops!
But it is nice that you let Nick go on and on in the background about being “on the floor”. Because you never give him the sexy parts. That’s why the poor boy always needs to ask you guys in concert if he’s sexual—he has image issues because he never gets the good lines…oh wait.
And oddly enough, you Boys do find him sexual; sometimes you’re downright enthusiastic about it.
Little creepy, I have to say. Stop pimping out Nick.
“Weird World”:
Yes, it is a weird world. It’s weirder still if you want to “catch a plane/ won’t buy a ticket”. All those world tours, and you guys don’t know you need a ticket for the plane? You need to have a chat with your managers.
And who gave Nick the line about having his first baby? Did he hyperventilate when he saw that, because someone should have gotten video of that for Nick's Corner.
I’m confused: “I’m closin’ my eyes/ but I’m startin’ to see/ while he’s lookin’ at you/ she’s lookin’ at me/ the only thing it does is keep me away from you.”
Say what? I’m willing to let the eye metaphor go, but does Nick have multiple personalities in this song, and how many women exactly does he think he has?
It must be a weird world: this song happened.
“I Still”:
Not much to say about this one, because I kinda listen and get lost in the “oh pretty.”
Wonder if they ever do that.
Let’s talk about the video instead.
Things we learned from this video: prettiest shot ever on film can be as simple as Nick looking up, Brian likes to fall down in the street, Kevin makes one good lookin’ bar fly, Howie can’t decide if he wants to take a taxi or play in traffic with Brian, AJ in slow motion kinda dances like a chicken, and if you corner the Backstreet Boys in a diffusely lit alley, they will dance for their lives. But this isn’t a dancing video, so it will consist of lots of wild gesturing, and flapping of arms.
“I still” think this is one of the prettiest videos they’ve done, even if they copied it for “Inconsolable”. And “Helpless When She Smiles”. And “Bigger”.
Hmm. Think they know it’s pretty too?
Oh look: no video to put here. Stop being so stingy with the media!
“Poster Girl”:
We were so close to this album being child friendly.
Then you had to go and find a new girl, who’s the pre-cursor to Shawty.
Guys, under the column of “just say no,” please add “singing about women who ‘ride’ their ‘backs across the city’. Step away from the ho’s!
Especially the ones who want to have sex in smoky taxis, elevators…and round off her day with a good round of disillusionment and shoplifting.
AJ, you stopped when the “cameras made us”? We’re shaking our heads in disbelief here, first of all for the fact that you used a 50’s gangster term like “made us”, and secondly because we fans were pretty sure that would be your kind of thing.
(How comfortable could an elevator floor be anyway?)
I must be missing something: are the la la la’s supposed to make this sound angst-y, or did you think you were doing a rock song about this hardcore, wild girl, and management sneaked the la la la’s up on you?
“They say nothing’s forever in this crazy world/ still I’m falling in love with the right now poster girl.” Know what can seem like forever? An STD. Again, step away from the ho’s!
Wonder what Poster Girl has to say about this? Stay tuned to the site for dianne26’s Backstreet Bombshells series, entry #2 is Poster Girl’s response!
“Lose It All”:
Nick’s “got nothin’ left”. Well, not by the time Poster Girl’s done with you. You’re only human, dude.
“If I lose it all/ it wouldn’t matter anyway.” Then…why are we arguing about it? Are you apathetic, or just angry?
Oh, hi Kevin! Nice of Nick to share his album with you too!
“Just knowing you’re out there breathing/ is so wonderful.” Now, if a fan said that to you, you’d call security, wouldn’t you? But you make it sound nice.
I’m tempted to count how many times you say “lose” in this song, but that would be a lot of counting.
“Climbing the Walls”:
“Spiderman, spiderman, does whatever a”…sorry, again.
Brian, I think if you ever asked a girl to “stay with me now,” um, she would. Not very plausible.
You don’t want “to know the reason why/ I can’t stay forever like this”? That would be my first question if a chick was leaving me.
Oh good, we’re going to elaborate on the ghostly Howie vocals while Brian continues to try to convince us someone is leaving him.
Wait, HOWIE gets a part! It’s a miracle. Whoa, there’s Kev too. Was Nick sick this day? Oh there he is. Maybe he was running late.
“My Beautiful Woman”:
I will admit to it: I listened to this when it got leaked. Are we still blaming the blond one for that?
Aw, how can you blame a guy who whines so pretty? I blared this like my speakers were still under warrantee when I first heard it.
Given a good bass system, I probably would again!
Oooooh. “Let’s not talk about a possible ending.” Is this one of those paperback novel things? AND Nick wants to “fool around”? It’s my lucky day! Wait. Have they been tested since Poster Girl?
“Anything that you want me to/ I’ll do/ B is for beautiful as the sunshine.” Anything, you say? Good. Stop spelling. This is not Sexy Sesame Street.
AJ and Nick, you may continue telling me how beautiful/sexy you think I am. Just no touching till the test results come back, k?
“Safest Place to Hide”:
Guys, I’m sorry, but like “Perfect Fan”, this song is so sweet it gives me a toothache. Just can’t do it.
“Can you see me/ here I am”: Brian finally gets an obvious Backstreet Philosophy line.
No really, can’t take this song. Is it over?
Heehee: AJ says “you give me sanct-uary,” and he says it like he’s considered saying “sex” instead. AJ misses the Poster Girl track.
Kevin, you can’t save this song. Let it go. Oh, a Nick scream. That’ll help…nope. Does nothing for me on this track.
Move along.
“Siberia”:
Favorite song on the album. My mom made me play this a million times when she accidentally drove to Canada instead of Rochester—long story.
Did “Safest Place to Hide” convince her to leave you, Brian? If you’re going to Siberia, you’ll need more of those scarves you seem fond of lately. You may want to buy stock in them, actually. It’s a cold place, I hear.
Question: if your “heart did time in Siberia”, where did they send the rest of you? Was this a space/time continuum problem?
Somehow, I think I’d see a man if he was sleeping in my bed. Mainly because he’d take up all the room.
Wow, she left you a note on the stairs? Why? Did she write it while sitting on the stairs? Did she fall down the stairs trying to cart all your good stuff out with her, look up, and decide, “aw heck, I’ll just leave my pitifully short and syllabically un-helpful note here”?
“Never Gone”:
Otherwise known as “that last album track they slap on that I never listen to.”
Thank goodness they broke this trend with bonus tracks on Unbreakable, because if I had to deal with a follow-up to “Unsuspecting Sunday Afternoon”, “ Never Gone”, “How Did I Fall in Love With You”, “The Perfect Fan”, and “If You Want It To Be Good Girl”, I’d just give up altogether on track twelve as the Bermuda Triangle of BSB songs.
Okay, even the Sony hates this thing: it’s remixing it. Seems if you grab the oh-so-cleverly designed double sided cd to pull it out of your cd holder…you smudge right across “Never Gone”! Yay, we didn’t hit “Siberia”!
How did this become the title track again?
My apologies to all of you who liked this track. It’s apparently the antidote to happy “I Still” daydreaming—it just puts me right to sleep.
My apologies also to those of you who loved “Lose It All” and “Weird World”. I’m baffled as to why those made the album, but “Last Night You Saved My Life” and “Tell Me What You Want” got trashed.
I want to know who was in on that vote: “a song about the Boys wanting to bring the freak out in a girl? Nah, that’ll never sell. Let’s pitch them another ballad with minimal beat!”
Um, not that I’ve ever heard of those songs.
It’s the blond one’s fault!
I’ll go back to the “Just Want You to Know” bridge and the “I Still” video.
That’ll make me feel better about “Never Gone” being “never gone” from this disc—which almost plays in a 2004 Sony boombox.
FinalBread, you ain't speaking facts.
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