A Noisy Gift

Hello Noisy Followers! Dianne here on behalf of the Noisy Girls.

It's cruise time!!! Whooo hooooo!!! Oh, you're not going? Hmm, neither are most of us. Jen and the Sorting Hat (Chels & Luz) will be there though. So if you are going, feel free to stalk them ... errr ... I mean ... track them down and say hi! lol

I've got some good news though. With Christmas approaching The Backstreet Noise Project would like to give all you non-cruisers a gift! A little something to warm your heart as you go about your non-BSB filled day in potentially freezing cold weather. No, it won't be Nick underneath your tree with a shiny red bow on his forehead. And it won't be AJ jammed into your stocking. And the postal service told us we are not allowed to mail Brian to you ... he makes too much noise inside the box. And Howie ... well ... if you really want Howie we could probably get him to you ... just send us your address and he'll run right over. But back to the actual gift ... we Noisy Girls will write and/or come up with anything you'd like for the blog AND we'll dedicate it to you. That's right! You tell us what you want and not only will we do it, but we'll make sure we stick your name right up there with it. Can you imagine it? Your name on the BN blog!! All lit up for everyone to see!! .... Too much? Alright I'll tone it down. But you get the idea ... so leave your comment here, or hit us up on TDS or Twitter with your idea and will try our best to get them all up before the holidays.

All requests MUST be in before next week!! That's Monday, December 13th! (We need time to write them) And while we'll try our best to fulfill your every desire, let's try to keep the requests reasonable. I know we're awesome but ... we're also human! (Well, I'm a super-human ninja, but I still have a few limits)

So happy cruising to all you cruisers!! And when you get back, we will hopefully have some treats for your reading pleasure. As for the rest of you, you may start requesting ........................ NOW!!


To Be Or Not To Be Noisy Stuntwomen

This needs little to no introduction ... Noisy Girls Corner ... Episode #2: Noisy Stuntwomen ... Warning: You may want to alert your family and friends that you are about to watch this ... it tends to cause fits of hysterical laughter ...

Stay tuned ... more episodes to come!! =)


BN Howl-o-ween Round Robin

Where was BN this weekend? Playing Round Robin with the new Halloween piece!

What's a Round Robin? Well, it was Momma J's new idea: one writer started the piece, e-mailed it to another, and we passed it round and round.

Try not to get dizzy.

BN Howl-o-ween: BSB Trick or Treating

It was a dark and stormy night—well, not that stormy, because this was LA. But it was dark! Management had come up with the brilliant idea of sending the Boys out trick or treating, not everyone was excited about the prospect….

Howie: Where is everyone? This burrito suit is warm! *flips fabric lettuce leaf out of hair*

Brian: I’m here! I’m here! Are you supposed to be a taco?

Howie: Burrito! 

Brian: I don’t get the joke, but Backstreet’s back, alright!

Howie: You’ve been doing that for years, aren’t you sick of it yet? And what are you?

Brian: I’m a gnome! Don’t you see the pointy hat?

Howie: I also see the vampire coming down the driveway—Kev?

Kevin: Not a vampire, the Count from Sesame Street! Why is Brian dressed like a homeless man?

Brian: Gnome!

Kevin: And making weird noises?

Howie: I’m a burrito.

Kevin: That’s…nice…. Are AJ and Nick late AGAIN?

Howie: *sigh* Some things never change

Brian: Wait ... What's that sound?

Kevin: *looks out the front door* It looks like a clown is chasing a big, pink bunny.

AJ: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!! Get away from me you freak!!! I hate you!!!

Nick: Aaaaaaaww, come on bunny!! Don't you wanna give Nicky the Clown a big ole hug?? Ahahahahahaha!

AJ: Duuuuuuuuuude!! You know I hate clowns!! Stop iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit!!!

Kevin: STOP!!!!!! You're ruining the lawn!!! Now get your butts inside while I count how many blades you've trampled!! Vone blade of grass, muhahahahaha! Two blades of grass, muhahahahaha! 

Nick: Inside!? *bounces* Do you have CANDY!?

Brian: I really don't want him inside my "gnome" while he's bouncing around like this, Leighanne’s not going to be impressed

Howie: *looks puzzled* you don't want him inside you?

Brian: I was trying to be funny... gnome... Home...?


Brian: It rhymes?


AJ: OK then...
Nick: *bounces in front door shouting* What's up Brok? Gimme some sugar I am your neighbour!
*starts singing Outkast and shaking booty* AH! Shake it! Shake it! oh come on shake it! uh ohhhhh Shake it like a polaroid picture!

*Leighanne comes into the hallway*

Leighanne: OUT!!!!!!!!! ALL OF YOU OUT!

Brian: *shouts dramatically* GOTTA GNOME! *grins* get it?

AJ: *looks at Brian* Why... seriously dude why?

The boys headed out into the night...

AJ: Nick, if you don't stay the fuck away from me, I'm gonna beat you senseless with this plastic pumpkin candy holder!!

Kevin: Alright guys...settle down. We are coming up to the first house. 

They approached the first house, walking up a narrow walkway. There was a scarecrow sitting in a lawn chair as a decoration, just as the boys began to pass by, it jumped up and screamed at them.


AJ: *jumps in Nick's arms*...*looks at Nick* .... *kicks and screams wildly*

Nick: *drops AJ on his ass and runs back to the street* AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!

Brian: HOWIE JESUS HOLY MOTHER MARY OF GOD!!!!!!! *follows Nick*

Howie: *faints*

Kevin: *punches scarecrow in the face as a first impulse reaction*

A little while later, after the scarecrow had assured them he was not evil and there were no hard feelings. Howie was awakened by the nice scarecrow's wife, who just so happened to be a nurse and has smelling salts available. And they found Nick and AJ hovering, shaking badly in the bushes, they were on their way to the next house ....

Nick: *bounces* Candy candy candy!

AJ: Why did I agree to let you stop at Starbucks on the way over here?

Kevin: Not so fast! God I'm looking at these people's lawns, so green and so full … 
*a dog comes by and starts sniffing Howie*

Howie: Well hello there!
*dog bites Howie*

Howie: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! I'm not a real burrito! Get off!
*Howie runs down the street*

AJ: Where's Kevin gone to now?
Kevin: 36...37...38...
AJ: Kev!

*Brian comes running up to them*

Nick: Where've you been B-Rok?

Brian: Some kids decided to throw rocks at me

Kid: Hey! There's the old goof dressed as a gnome!

Kid #2: Get him!

*Brian hides behind Nick and AJ*

Kid: Hey look! A mutant rabbit and a giant clown! 
*Howie continues running from the dog*

Howie: Someone help!! Please!!

Kid #3: Hey look! A giant burrito!

Kid #1: Get him!!

Howie: NO!!!!!!!!!!!!

AJ: Mutant rabbit...I knew I should've dressed as Frank-n-Furter. 

Kevin: "Its just a jump to the left..."

AJ: Oh God...

Nick: “Let’s do the timewarp again!!!!”

AJ: Okay next house
*Kevin, Brian and Nick begin doing the Timewarp dance*

Ding Dong *no one answers the door*

Howie: Maybe they're not home ...

Nick: Nah man, they've got a Jack O'Lantern out here and I can see a light on upstairs *bangs on the door* OPEN UP AND GIVE US OUR CANDY!!

Brian: *sings* Backstreet's Back ... atyourdoor!! And we want some candy!! Trick or Treat!! Chirp Chirp!!!

Kevin: SHUT UP Brian!!!

Nick: *rings the doorbell again* Heeeelllloooooo!! We can see your light onnnnnn!!!

*a woman finally opens the door wearing a lot of pleather and holding a whip*

AJ: Trick or ... HELLO!!!

Howie: *faints again*

Brian: *runs away screaming* MY EYES!!! I SAW NOTHING WIFEY I SWEAR!!! Ooooh!! Look!! Little gnome buddies!! *sits in the garden with other gnomes*

Woman: Ya ... we don't have any candy and we're a little busy so if you could just get off our property ...

AJ: Wellll ... if you don't have any candy ... I could think of another treat you could ...

Kevin: We're very sorry to disturb you! Nick, pick up Howie and let's go!

Nick: Aw, but ...

Kevin: NOW!! Let's go AJ!

AJ: Can you whip me just once??

Kevin: AJ!!!

Nick: *pokes his head inside the house*

Woman: *whips Nick*

Nick: AAAAHHHH!!! *grabs Howie and runs off*

AJ: Oh she's NASTY!!

Kevin: We're LEAVING!! *grabs AJ buy his bunny ears and starts dragging him away* Very sorry!!!


The boys walk through the gate of a large house with a pink hummer on the drive

Kev: Now THIS looks promising...

AJ: The LAST place was promising

Nick: No she was scary man

AJ: I like scary

Kev: Just look at that lawn *sigh*

Brian: Its a proper "gnome" from "gnome"... get it?

Howie: Just kill me now... someone please

Nick: Who ruffled your lettuce Burito Boy!?

*Nick rings the bell*

*The door opens..... a small Chihuahua is at the door*

Brian: Hey little dude! I love small dogs... aww look it has a tutu on!

Howie: I am not being savaged again

Nick: That was too funny dawg

*Howie backs away and falls backwards down the steps*

*The boys roar with laughter*

Howie: help... I cant get back up!

Nick: Just leave him there, he’s not going anywhere! My priority right now is candy, *sings* I WAAANT CANDY!.

AJ: Listen little dog, do you have an owner?

*A person appears behind the dog, its Paris Hilton... she has no make-up on*


Kev: Ohhhhhh dear


*The boys run, falling over Howie at the bottom of the steps. Nick stands dumbfounded*

Paris : I like.... Love clowns... they are like so hot.... come like entertain my friends

Nick: Noooooo help meeeeeeeeeee!

*She grabs Nick by the hair and drags him inside*

Nick: *kicks and screams* GUYS!!! HELLLPPP MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee 

The door slammed shut drowning out Nick's screams while the guys, just stood there starting at the door, then at each other, then back at the door.

Brian: NOOOOOOOOOO!! Not my BFF!!

Howie: What do we do??
*notices tinker bell sniffing him*

Howie: Oh come on not again!
*the dog bites him, Howie can't get her off*

AJ: I think I have an idea.

Howie: Get off! Get off doggy!

AJ: Where's Kev?

*Brian points to the ground where Kevin is*

Kevin: You are so soft, yes you are, nice soft turf.

Suddenly, the door is thrown open again and Nick comes sailing through the air, skidding on his ass on the sidewalk. He comes to a stop just in time for the fuzzy, red wig he had been wearing to smack him upside the head. To top things off, Tinkerbell walks over and hicks his leg and pisses all over him then runs back in the house. The door slams shut. 

Nick: EWWWWWWWWW!!!! Why did I always think that was a girl dog? *scratches head*

AJ: I thought you were a goner for sure dude! 

Nick: *gets up and brushes self off and plops the wig back on his head* Eh, I just told her I had a tiny dick and was outta drugs...that's all it took. I don't even think the Parisite realized who I was. 

AJ: Good, quick thinking, tellin’ her the truth there buddy...*snickers*

Nick: Hardy har har... can we get the f*** outta here now?

*Kevin has now stripped himself and is rolling around on the lawn*
Kevin: Ahhh such SOFT grass, soft little pieces of grass.

Paris: *from inside* And get your naked friend off my lawn!

Kid: Hey!! It’s the giant burrito guy!

Howie: Oh God not again…. 

Kid: Get him!!


Dear BSB: Unreleased

Dear BSB,

Wow, another October come and gone! Remember this time last year I was annoying you with questions about This Is Us?

You don’t?

The rest of us do! And I think we should commemorate that by, well, annoying you with something new. Doesn’t that sound like fun?

I think it does.

So, dear BSB, please explain the following: Unreleaseds. And you better have some damn good explanations for some of these, or my BN girls will keep saying “pred-a-THOR” every time “Trouble” comes on BSB Radio.

Which some of us can’t get, because we have Macs. *sniff, sniff*

But I can get The Dark Side board, and I took requests for this one!

*Tell Me

So let's discuss one of my favorites, "Tell Me."

Because to start with, "tell me everything you want" is damn hot. First, you clearly want to let me talk. Second, we get to talk dirty.

"Tell Me"

"You can tell me what you want"...that might be a long list. Should we go alphabetically?

Um, wait, this is AJ's idea? AJ kinda scares me...oh wait, Brian I might be able to handle. And I could bring out the freak in Nick. I don't think it's that long of a trip.

Wait. AJ wants to be my "perfect man"? Hold the phone, that might be a better offer. I could MAKE him Nick. And then bring out the freak in him. Yes, that's a plan.

You want to feel my hips? It's a little aggressive to be asking for my hips. Shakira fetish, anyone?

"How to behave"? Let's behave badly! Let me tell you what I want: I want...hmm. I could go for a chocolate shake right now. Have any of those?

Was that not what you meant?

"Relationships that never last"--*sob* I know, I know! Jerks, all of them! Yes, let's bring the freak out in me. But let's cry it out first--whoa whoa: "make a baby"? No no NO! I want to BE your baby, not MAKE a baby! Babymaking is not authorized here! Sure I'll spend my life, but a baby? It's babysitting enough to have to make sure Nick brushes his teeth!

Oh, were we not grown up enough for the real word, but we could be asking for sex? That's only about as confusing as Nick having to where a shirt because he's too young to be beefcake, but he can still ask four other men if he's "sexual" and tell me he wants to do things "your momma shouldn't know."

Ah, BSB standards. Now Nick strips on stage. He could almost strip to this song...bow bow bow bow...yeah, sounds like stripping music. This music video would have been BSB daydreaming as guys with ordinary jobs, like fast food take out window guys, janitors...and then they pull their clothes off! Take it off baby!

Wait, that's "Hologram."


Ever heard the saying, “tele-gram, tele-graph, tell-a-women”? Somewhere between that and “help me Obiwan Kenobi, you’re my only hope!” lies this song. And then you start singing. And the sexy late-night-club-Nick’s-dressed-all-in-black music kicks in (that might be just me).

But why is Brian “actin’ the doggone fool”? Have I ever seen a man act a “doggone fool”? How could I tell? As for “unleashing the dog”…aren’t all his dogs very, very SMALL?

And if you can’t see through all the people…why is Howie home alone with “a game I can see through”? I thought Brian was in a club…. Split personality problem? Did they leave Howie at home while they all went to a club? Are you at the club wishing you were home with that “x-ray vision”? Maybe he stole that from AJ. I do feel for you on that static though: Skype acts up on Noisy girls too. Although our Brazilian Tornado B has no trouble with interference when she calls in from Rio, while Di can’t get Skype to work for the life of her, and she’s only in Canada…. But Di would not leave Howie at home, because she developed a not so secret Howie crush during TIU tour.

Now we frequently divide into two teams: the BN contingent that went on tour and fell for how prompt and huggy Howard is, and the team that stayed home and wants to shoot him out of a cannon every time he takes down someone in chat with computer issues.

Also, I’ve never seen a “mainframe straight out the gate”. I should ask my tech friends about that. Maybe there’s some sort of maintenance I ought to be doing to keep the mainframe gate straight. But I do have a Mac, and they are low maintenance—maybe my computer does that by itself and that’s why I never noticed a crooked gate mainframe.

No offense, but what’s with the “bom bom bom”, while we’re at it? Channeling Ricky Martin? Shake that bon bon baby! But don’t “flip the switch” on Nick—turns out that energy conscious streak means he’d rather you left the lights off….Mmm.

Maybe this is really a tirade against modern technology: glitches in systems, fading holograms (which just really reminds me of that ‘N Stink song about virtual sex), not flipping switches…the rewound “bom bom” is a commentary on how we need to rewind our perceptions of energy use?

Just when I think you guys are all about happy pop tunes, you drop me into the deep end of your pool.

*Last Night (You Saved My Life)

This is Jen’s favorite, and she only tells us that every time it’s one. Or she’s thinking about it. Or we mention Nick and sheets in the same sentence. Or it’s a day of the week ending in “y”.

“Y” does she do it? “Fingernails running down your spine.” Thanks Nick. We needed the visual, because we don’t get enough from fan fic. Which incidentally, Jen abbreviates both “fan fic” and “firefox” as “ff” in chats, so we never know if she’s disappearing to reboot because her browser has gone down, or because the fan fic got so damn hot that it finally melted her hard drive.

So thank you Nick, for the 3am, sheet twisted, perfume inundated visual. We didn’t already think of you that way—it’s nice to see you exploring your sexuality on a track, you’re usually so reserved…waaaaaiiittt a minute….

Whoa, we’re dragging unborn children into this?! WHY? Stop trying to be endearing!

But Brian did want to call all day. That sounds right. We do believe Howie would answer “after just one ring.” And AJ would “try to play it off.” Not so sure I would “know every-thing.” I’m a little clueless, and would think they were just standing absurdly close to the phone. But I don’t have a tattoo on the small of my back either, or leave perfume on sheets…hey, this song isn’t about me at all! There goes that fantasy.

Let’s try something else.

*Love Is

Ugh, why, Lady V?! I have to listen to this on repeat?!

At least it’s not “Color my World.”

Love is not “kisses in a beanbag chair.” It’s 2010 now, but I’m almost positive this song was recorded loooong after 1997, the year of the beanbag chair. I guess love could be “kissin’ in the morning rain.”

I’m just never awake then, so I don’t know who they think they’ll be kissing. If I am up earlier, it’s because I’m lounging around writing in my sweatpants and Team Jacob t-shirt, which has not been high on any guy’s “sexiest moments” list as far as I know. And I happen to know that V keeps strange hours because of her job, so it’s not HER they’re kissing in the morning rain.

Also, her husband may not approve.

The stairs from “Siberia” made it back for this one. Or maybe this was a “Never Gone” reject and these are the SAME stairs?

Don’t go upstairs, guys! She’s going to take off on you! She’s going to find someone else and tell you it’s not your fault! She’s going to leave a useless note on the stairs for when you get home!

Could be worse. Like I said, this could be “Color My World.”

Or “Don’t Disturb This Groove.” *shudder

I have no questions on why this didn’t make an album. Beanbag chairs, making out in the rain, doomed stairs…this is practically a 90’s horror film in the making. And we KNOW what happens to the couple who has sex in horror films.

They die.

Like this song, but worse.

*Figured You Out

Look, taurusangel25 requested one I actually listen to! YAAAAAY!

Noisy girls wouldn’t have you “waitin’, even on a second date,” Brian. So you know. We usually appear in a timely fashion.

Okay, most of the time.

Some of the time.

We might steal Nick’s keys and phone though. Those would sell for a LOT on ebay! We could fund the site for years that way! We could buy a BN corporate building…have offices…a BN hotline you could call…. Wonder if Emma would move TDS corporate offices in with us…we could have the BN/TDS office building. Oooh that sounds fancy. And like a crazy party. We’d invite Nick over, of course—we wouldn’t steal his good stuff and run away.

And I always like diamonds on my hands, that’s not exclusive to being a bad girl. Maxxing out a credit card though…what would I even buy that would drain a BSB account? Okay, Kevin’s I might be able to spend. I could buy Manolos. Or Tiffany. But Brian? He’s got a never-ending stream of scarf money! And Howie’s in real estate! There’s no way I could spend all of Howie’s money! I’d need to buy China!

Or a tropical island.

With Nick on it.

And a lot of lawyers to keep Howie from suing me.

But this isn’t about me.

It is a bouncy song though. And unlike “Hologram”, it does not sound like a BSB strip tease. But “hanging around” like puppets…secret ‘N Sync code? Hmm.


Leave it to the Noisy girls to forget to request their own theme song. We even have a parody of this written!

And we forgot all about it.

This song caused me a lot of “Trouble” when it first leaked. (Really, the BSB ship has a lot of holes in it—should they really be going on a cruise?) I saw “Trouble”, and thought, “oh ‘Trouble Is’. Wait, why is Nick walking around like a predator? ‘Trouble Is’ sounds like a country song! ‘Half naked’? ‘Sexy candle’? I never noticed that about ‘Trouble Is’!”

Yeah. Because it’s not.

Instead the Boys break out enough electronica to spice up a video game, and sing about half naked women who are hot for them. And Nick says either, “she like to model for me,” or “she’d like to modify me.” Given that three Noisy girls can’t think of anything to modify…we’re going with “model for me.”

Then AJ shows up with the infamous “sexy candle” and his “pain is just pleasure with the volume up/I want it louder.” Lots of debate over that one. Marquis de Sade, anyone? We thought AJ was loud anyway—I’m afraid of how loud he might be when he gets loud with his volume up. Can I get a remote with a mute button for that? I’d entertain modeling for Nick, but I don’t want to play with AJ’s volume buttons.

I’ll leave that to Lady V.

“I’m spending all my money on her”—Nick has money left over from “Figured You Out”!

Is he secretly in real estate too? I’ve secretly always thought Kevin probably collects Nick’s check, puts it in the bank, and gives Nick an allowance that goes toward wheatgrass shakes, WoW gnomes, plaid shirts, and neon sneakers. You know, like Backstreet milk money.

Maybe that’s why Nick still has cash to spend.


Uhhhh, okay Sandra. This is on my ipod because…I don’t know what to do with this. “Dealing out the cards and eating them like ice cream?” If I had ice cream cards, I’d be happy. Wonder what flavor diamonds are.

That’s just downright Alice in Wonderland.

You are not “every hu-man”, Nick. Jen complains about it allll the time.

And your eyes are blue, not green. We’re buying you a mirror for your birthday.

We’re afraid AJ has been taught, and that’s why he knows. We’re also scared of what he knows.

We think the government may want to look into what AJ knows.

And he is not the tallest man. Not even after Kev left, AJ. You don’t fool us!

“The truth is stranger than fiction.” And that was a good movie! This song though…it makes no sense until you yell halfway through, “you’re a walking contradiction!”

And then it only sort of makes sense—aren’t you talking about YOU the whole song? Are you talking to yourself now?

Hmm. “Evergreen.” Ever young? Ever jealous?

Ever make sense?

For some reason, my ipod registers this as “00—Evergreen”, so even my playlist looks like it has huge, shocked, possibly skeptical eyes when it pops up.

That sums it up quite well.


Lboogie has been making Dear BSB requests since the very first letter, and this was her request.

I forget it’s unreleased, because I’m a Nick fan with a song sorting problem…so this is purposely listed as being ON This Is Us in my iTunes.

Because Nick would want it that way. What if he spots a Noisy girl at a concert, sweeps her backstage, and my ipod is in the Noisy rental car they use for the getaway? I don’t want to ruin anyone’s chance because “Helpless” was floating alone in the limbo of “singles” on my playlist!

Not to be confused with “Helpless When She Smiles.” Because none of us did that….

It’s nice to know Nick has a face-shaped hole in his heart. That sounds painful. These guys are like swiss cheese with all the holes they get in them, album after album.

You know, this song should have made the album just so we could see them try to dance to the chorus. They’d have to resort to flailing around at top speed, or jumping up and down like Mexican jumping beans. Heehee.

Of course, Howie gets the sappy verses, and AJ gets the lead-in to the rap.

Really, we just want to know who does the heavy breathing.

*Fallen Angel

Poppy is inflicting this one on me, which makes me think of a sci-fi video. There’d be a dark, Gotham-like city…a girl with big, shiny, ink purple-black wings swooping down on the poor guys as they wander the city. Like a really ticked off harpy.

Because they play in traffic a lot in their videos.

No idea why this one didn’t make an album, because it’s not half bad. It’s better than say, “She’s a Dream.” But most songs are.

Although this is one more song where you “wanna know” something. You guys ask a lot of questions for being a group with AJ in it, who claims to know everything. Even if he is “unglued” in this song.

Oh, and “forever is a long way down.” Because in Backstreetland, “forever” is a measurement of distance, not time. No wonder they get confused and wind up being late—how do you convert minutes into miles?

And then at the end of the video, they’d take the wings off the mean girl, and she’d turn human again, and they’d leave her in the middle of the street! Or put her in a cage!

Wait, no: that’s the Miley Cyrus video.

My bad.

“The only thing worst than emptiness is when your heart’s gone.” Okay, Nick. But what’s that word later? “Bitsopobble?” What’s a “bitsopobble”?!! Is that what happens when you’re heart’s gone and now you’re empty…wait. Your heart’s gone…that’s worse than emptiness…but if your heart’s gone there’s…an empty space…so you ARE empty when your heart’s gone….

My head hurts.

Or maybe it’s my ears. Uggggh, “Love Is”!

Miss seeing a favorite here? Comment in our thread on TDS for the next round!


Dear BSB: Never Gone After HOW Many Years?

The new Dear BSB goes live this weekend (because, well, Beth decided it would), and we have a Halloween piece in the works! Also coming soon? More Dark Side chats!

For now, Dear BSB: Never Gone.

Dear BSB:

I always thought I was a good fan.
I’ve never stalked you. I haven’t camped out on any of yours lawns or gone through your mail. I own weird fan items like the giant Millennium pencil. I’ve never pretended to be married to one of you. I’ve bought every album. I cried when you cried on tv. I’ve dutifully told every *N Sync fan I’ve met how wrong they are.

So where did I go so wrong as to deserve this?

Because it would seem that despite my loyalty my little Mac notebook cannot and will not play the deluxe copy of Never Gone I obediently purchased on release day, 2005.

Now I have to sit here in 2009 with my ipod headphones hooked up to my 2004 Sony boombox rather than my sleek ipod touch in its Lamborghini yellow case, because you also haven’t posted this album anywhere online.

I understand that to be a BSB fan sometimes we have to swallow our pride, but this one hurts. Good thing I have the pretty insert photos to console me. And if I put this in the dvd player, I’d also have footage of Nick mooning the camera.

Guess I have some questions…and maybe a little frustration.

Now for the review….


Ah, the piano intro. Kevvvviiiinnnnn. *sniff*
Oh, here we go. “Empty spaces fill me up with holes.” Backstreet Philosophy hit #1 to Never Gone.
Nick prays “for this heart to be unbroken.” And on track one, there was swooning, while AJ is “swimming in an ocean all alone.” Yeah, I BET that happens. You get shirtless, and no one notices.
“I don’t wanna make you/face this world alone/I wanna let you go.” Eh? I thought you didn’t want me to face the world alone? Then what’s with the letting go? “I’ll never let go, Jack, I’ll never”…sorry. Wrong quote.

This is where we would have embedded the video for you, but BSBVideoVault disabled that option, and the others are not great quality. So Dear BSB, we'd like to use your videos.

“Just Want You to Know”:
Man can the guys belt this number. I blew my voice out for a good three days after screaming this one in concert. The guy I dragged to the concert was not impressed when I sounded like I had laryngitis every time he called.
“Nothing I could do could protect me from you that night.” Oh Nick, we need to have a talk: body armor, mace, bodyguards, police escort, barbwire fence, security system, restraining orders. That’ll keep most women away.
Well, if they aren’t from LD. Then it’s just a challenge: you boys play hard to get!
Oh, more “nights that never end”? You guys are insomniacs. You have “nights that never end”, and then “love’ll keep you up all night”…small wonder you needed a song called “Last Night You Saved My Life.” You were probably losing it due to sleep exhaustion! Catch some shut eye now and then! I know you’re afraid because nothing protects you from this woman, but really.
And Howie gets to vocally elaborate…for less than two seconds. Ah, the days when there were five guys and not enough good parts.
But you know what really kills me? The bridge. Because you can hear Nick lick his lips. I actually turn it up in the car when it gets to the bridge.
Hmm. Song’s over. Let’s rewind it to the bridge one more time…because I’m not discussing this video. Yikes. Leather panties, 80’s hair, and eyeliner, oh my!

And here..hmm, also no video. Because even if they said we could use it...they don't have it. HUH? Are you guys really that embarrassed?

“Crawling Back to You”:
Anyone else confuse this with “Climbing the Walls”? No? Just me then.
Hi Brian! Nice to hear from you! Where’ve you been the whole album? Also, hate to tell you: you’re too nice to break anyone’s heart.
Ah, more BSB on BSB violence. Pride spilling, hands and knees bruised, and crawling. Don’t give up your pride, guys. We’re still worried about the damage that burger King commercial may have caused.
And it’s kinda creepy that you know she’s “in there/ You can make me wait/ I’m not going away.” You know the scary girl in the last song? Yeah, you’re becoming her. But it’s nice you don’t blame her for being mad. Wait till next album, when you get ticked off over the fact that you’re “already dead/ I already said/ I’m sorry.”
STOP BANGING ON THE DOOR! No, she’s not “going to let” you in! She’s going to call the cops!
But it is nice that you let Nick go on and on in the background about being “on the floor”. Because you never give him the sexy parts. That’s why the poor boy always needs to ask you guys in concert if he’s sexual—he has image issues because he never gets the good lines…oh wait.
And oddly enough, you Boys do find him sexual; sometimes you’re downright enthusiastic about it.
Little creepy, I have to say. Stop pimping out Nick.

“Weird World”:
Yes, it is a weird world. It’s weirder still if you want to “catch a plane/ won’t buy a ticket”. All those world tours, and you guys don’t know you need a ticket for the plane? You need to have a chat with your managers.
And who gave Nick the line about having his first baby? Did he hyperventilate when he saw that, because someone should have gotten video of that for Nick's Corner.
I’m confused: “I’m closin’ my eyes/ but I’m startin’ to see/ while he’s lookin’ at you/ she’s lookin’ at me/ the only thing it does is keep me away from you.”
Say what? I’m willing to let the eye metaphor go, but does Nick have multiple personalities in this song, and how many women exactly does he think he has?
It must be a weird world: this song happened.

“I Still”:
“I still feel you/ like I’m right beside you”. That’s a ghost, guys. RUN!
Not much to say about this one, because I kinda listen and get lost in the “oh pretty.”
Wonder if they ever do that.
Let’s talk about the video instead.
Best part of the video: anticipating when someone was going to break something next. You kick that fire hydrant AJ! You break that bar mirror Kev! You smash that newspaper display Nick! You walk in traffic Brian (huh?)! You crack that taxi window Howie…oh. Edited that out, did they? Is Howie not allowed to be violent?
Things we learned from this video: prettiest shot ever on film can be as simple as Nick looking up, Brian likes to fall down in the street, Kevin makes one good lookin’ bar fly, Howie can’t decide if he wants to take a taxi or play in traffic with Brian, AJ in slow motion kinda dances like a chicken, and if you corner the Backstreet Boys in a diffusely lit alley, they will dance for their lives. But this isn’t a dancing video, so it will consist of lots of wild gesturing, and flapping of arms.
“I still” think this is one of the prettiest videos they’ve done, even if they copied it for “Inconsolable”. And “Helpless When She Smiles”. And “Bigger”.
Hmm. Think they know it’s pretty too?

Oh look: no video to put here. Stop being so stingy with the media!

“Poster Girl”:
We were so close to this album being child friendly.
Then you had to go and find a new girl, who’s the pre-cursor to Shawty.
Guys, under the column of “just say no,” please add “singing about women who ‘ride’ their ‘backs across the city’. Step away from the ho’s!
Especially the ones who want to have sex in smoky taxis, elevators…and round off her day with a good round of disillusionment and shoplifting.
AJ, you stopped when the “cameras made us”? We’re shaking our heads in disbelief here, first of all for the fact that you used a 50’s gangster term like “made us”, and secondly because we fans were pretty sure that would be your kind of thing.
(How comfortable could an elevator floor be anyway?)
I must be missing something: are the la la la’s supposed to make this sound angst-y, or did you think you were doing a rock song about this hardcore, wild girl, and management sneaked the la la la’s up on you?
“They say nothing’s forever in this crazy world/ still I’m falling in love with the right now poster girl.” Know what can seem like forever? An STD. Again, step away from the ho’s!

Wonder what Poster Girl has to say about this? Stay tuned to the site for dianne26’s Backstreet Bombshells series, entry #2 is Poster Girl’s response!

“Lose It All”:
Nick’s “got nothin’ left”. Well, not by the time Poster Girl’s done with you. You’re only human, dude.
“If I lose it all/ it wouldn’t matter anyway.” Then…why are we arguing about it? Are you apathetic, or just angry?
Oh, hi Kevin! Nice of Nick to share his album with you too!
“Just knowing you’re out there breathing/ is so wonderful.” Now, if a fan said that to you, you’d call security, wouldn’t you? But you make it sound nice.
I’m tempted to count how many times you say “lose” in this song, but that would be a lot of counting.

“Climbing the Walls”:
“Spiderman, spiderman, does whatever a”…sorry, again.
Brian, I think if you ever asked a girl to “stay with me now,” um, she would. Not very plausible.
You don’t want “to know the reason why/ I can’t stay forever like this”? That would be my first question if a chick was leaving me.
Oh good, we’re going to elaborate on the ghostly Howie vocals while Brian continues to try to convince us someone is leaving him.
Wait, HOWIE gets a part! It’s a miracle. Whoa, there’s Kev too. Was Nick sick this day? Oh there he is. Maybe he was running late.

“My Beautiful Woman”:
I will admit to it: I listened to this when it got leaked. Are we still blaming the blond one for that?
Aw, how can you blame a guy who whines so pretty? I blared this like my speakers were still under warrantee when I first heard it.
Given a good bass system, I probably would again!
Oooooh. “Let’s not talk about a possible ending.” Is this one of those paperback novel things? AND Nick wants to “fool around”? It’s my lucky day! Wait. Have they been tested since Poster Girl?
“Anything that you want me to/ I’ll do/ B is for beautiful as the sunshine.” Anything, you say? Good. Stop spelling. This is not Sexy Sesame Street.
AJ and Nick, you may continue telling me how beautiful/sexy you think I am. Just no touching till the test results come back, k?

“Safest Place to Hide”:
Guys, I’m sorry, but like “Perfect Fan”, this song is so sweet it gives me a toothache. Just can’t do it.
“Can you see me/ here I am”: Brian finally gets an obvious Backstreet Philosophy line.
No really, can’t take this song. Is it over?
Heehee: AJ says “you give me sanct-uary,” and he says it like he’s considered saying “sex” instead. AJ misses the Poster Girl track.
Kevin, you can’t save this song. Let it go. Oh, a Nick scream. That’ll help…nope. Does nothing for me on this track.
Move along.

Favorite song on the album. My mom made me play this a million times when she accidentally drove to Canada instead of Rochester—long story.
Did “Safest Place to Hide” convince her to leave you, Brian? If you’re going to Siberia, you’ll need more of those scarves you seem fond of lately. You may want to buy stock in them, actually. It’s a cold place, I hear.
Question: if your “heart did time in Siberia”, where did they send the rest of you? Was this a space/time continuum problem?
Somehow, I think I’d see a man if he was sleeping in my bed. Mainly because he’d take up all the room.
Wow, she left you a note on the stairs? Why? Did she write it while sitting on the stairs? Did she fall down the stairs trying to cart all your good stuff out with her, look up, and decide, “aw heck, I’ll just leave my pitifully short and syllabically un-helpful note here”?

“Never Gone”:
Otherwise known as “that last album track they slap on that I never listen to.”
Thank goodness they broke this trend with bonus tracks on Unbreakable, because if I had to deal with a follow-up to “Unsuspecting Sunday Afternoon”, “ Never Gone”, “How Did I Fall in Love With You”, “The Perfect Fan”, and “If You Want It To Be Good Girl”, I’d just give up altogether on track twelve as the Bermuda Triangle of BSB songs.
Okay, even the Sony hates this thing: it’s remixing it. Seems if you grab the oh-so-cleverly designed double sided cd to pull it out of your cd holder…you smudge right across “Never Gone”! Yay, we didn’t hit “Siberia”!
How did this become the title track again?
My apologies to all of you who liked this track. It’s apparently the antidote to happy “I Still” daydreaming—it just puts me right to sleep.

My apologies also to those of you who loved “Lose It All” and “Weird World”. I’m baffled as to why those made the album, but “Last Night You Saved My Life” and “Tell Me What You Want” got trashed.

I want to know who was in on that vote: “a song about the Boys wanting to bring the freak out in a girl? Nah, that’ll never sell. Let’s pitch them another ballad with minimal beat!”
Um, not that I’ve ever heard of those songs.
It’s the blond one’s fault!

I’ll go back to the “Just Want You to Know” bridge and the “I Still” video.
That’ll make me feel better about “Never Gone” being “never gone” from this disc—which almost plays in a 2004 Sony boombox.