Dear BSB,
Wow, another October come and gone! Remember this time last year I was annoying you with questions about This Is Us?
You don’t?
The rest of us do! And I think we should commemorate that by, well, annoying you with something new. Doesn’t that sound like fun?
I think it does.
So, dear BSB, please explain the following: Unreleaseds. And you better have some damn good explanations for some of these, or my BN girls will keep saying “pred-a-THOR” every time “Trouble” comes on BSB Radio.
Which some of us can’t get, because we have Macs. *sniff, sniff*
But I can get The Dark Side board, and I took requests for this one!
*Tell Me
So let's discuss one of my favorites, "Tell Me."
Because to start with, "tell me everything you want" is damn hot. First, you clearly want to let me talk. Second, we get to talk dirty.
"Tell Me"
"You can tell me what you want"...that might be a long list. Should we go alphabetically?
Um, wait, this is AJ's idea? AJ kinda scares me...oh wait, Brian I might be able to handle. And I could bring out the freak in Nick. I don't think it's that long of a trip.
Wait. AJ wants to be my "perfect man"? Hold the phone, that might be a better offer. I could MAKE him Nick. And then bring out the freak in him. Yes, that's a plan.
You want to feel my hips? It's a little aggressive to be asking for my hips. Shakira fetish, anyone?
"How to behave"? Let's behave badly! Let me tell you what I want: I want...hmm. I could go for a chocolate shake right now. Have any of those?
Was that not what you meant?
"Relationships that never last"--*sob* I know, I know! Jerks, all of them! Yes, let's bring the freak out in me. But let's cry it out first--whoa whoa: "make a baby"? No no NO! I want to BE your baby, not MAKE a baby! Babymaking is not authorized here! Sure I'll spend my life, but a baby? It's babysitting enough to have to make sure Nick brushes his teeth!
Oh, were we not grown up enough for the real word, but we could be asking for sex? That's only about as confusing as Nick having to where a shirt because he's too young to be beefcake, but he can still ask four other men if he's "sexual" and tell me he wants to do things "your momma shouldn't know."
Ah, BSB standards. Now Nick strips on stage. He could almost strip to this song...bow bow bow bow...yeah, sounds like stripping music. This music video would have been BSB daydreaming as guys with ordinary jobs, like fast food take out window guys, janitors...and then they pull their clothes off! Take it off baby!
Wait, that's "Hologram."
*Hologram
Ever heard the saying, “tele-gram, tele-graph, tell-a-women”? Somewhere between that and “help me Obiwan Kenobi, you’re my only hope!” lies this song. And then you start singing. And the sexy late-night-club-Nick’s-dressed-all-in-black music kicks in (that might be just me).
But why is Brian “actin’ the doggone fool”? Have I ever seen a man act a “doggone fool”? How could I tell? As for “unleashing the dog”…aren’t all his dogs very, very SMALL?
And if you can’t see through all the people…why is Howie home alone with “a game I can see through”? I thought Brian was in a club…. Split personality problem? Did they leave Howie at home while they all went to a club? Are you at the club wishing you were home with that “x-ray vision”? Maybe he stole that from AJ. I do feel for you on that static though: Skype acts up on Noisy girls too. Although our Brazilian Tornado B has no trouble with interference when she calls in from Rio, while Di can’t get Skype to work for the life of her, and she’s only in Canada…. But Di would not leave Howie at home, because she developed a not so secret Howie crush during TIU tour.
Now we frequently divide into two teams: the BN contingent that went on tour and fell for how prompt and huggy Howard is, and the team that stayed home and wants to shoot him out of a cannon every time he takes down someone in chat with computer issues.
Also, I’ve never seen a “mainframe straight out the gate”. I should ask my tech friends about that. Maybe there’s some sort of maintenance I ought to be doing to keep the mainframe gate straight. But I do have a Mac, and they are low maintenance—maybe my computer does that by itself and that’s why I never noticed a crooked gate mainframe.
No offense, but what’s with the “bom bom bom”, while we’re at it? Channeling Ricky Martin? Shake that bon bon baby! But don’t “flip the switch” on Nick—turns out that energy conscious streak means he’d rather you left the lights off….Mmm.
Maybe this is really a tirade against modern technology: glitches in systems, fading holograms (which just really reminds me of that ‘N Stink song about virtual sex), not flipping switches…the rewound “bom bom” is a commentary on how we need to rewind our perceptions of energy use?
Just when I think you guys are all about happy pop tunes, you drop me into the deep end of your pool.
*Last Night (You Saved My Life)
This is Jen’s favorite, and she only tells us that every time it’s one. Or she’s thinking about it. Or we mention Nick and sheets in the same sentence. Or it’s a day of the week ending in “y”.
“Y” does she do it? “Fingernails running down your spine.” Thanks Nick. We needed the visual, because we don’t get enough from fan fic. Which incidentally, Jen abbreviates both “fan fic” and “firefox” as “ff” in chats, so we never know if she’s disappearing to reboot because her browser has gone down, or because the fan fic got so damn hot that it finally melted her hard drive.
So thank you Nick, for the 3am, sheet twisted, perfume inundated visual. We didn’t already think of you that way—it’s nice to see you exploring your sexuality on a track, you’re usually so reserved…waaaaaiiittt a minute….
Whoa, we’re dragging unborn children into this?! WHY? Stop trying to be endearing!
But Brian did want to call all day. That sounds right. We do believe Howie would answer “after just one ring.” And AJ would “try to play it off.” Not so sure I would “know every-thing.” I’m a little clueless, and would think they were just standing absurdly close to the phone. But I don’t have a tattoo on the small of my back either, or leave perfume on sheets…hey, this song isn’t about me at all! There goes that fantasy.
Let’s try something else.
*Love Is
Ugh, why, Lady V?! I have to listen to this on repeat?!
At least it’s not “Color my World.”
Love is not “kisses in a beanbag chair.” It’s 2010 now, but I’m almost positive this song was recorded loooong after 1997, the year of the beanbag chair. I guess love could be “kissin’ in the morning rain.”
I’m just never awake then, so I don’t know who they think they’ll be kissing. If I am up earlier, it’s because I’m lounging around writing in my sweatpants and Team Jacob t-shirt, which has not been high on any guy’s “sexiest moments” list as far as I know. And I happen to know that V keeps strange hours because of her job, so it’s not HER they’re kissing in the morning rain.
Also, her husband may not approve.
The stairs from “Siberia” made it back for this one. Or maybe this was a “Never Gone” reject and these are the SAME stairs?
Don’t go upstairs, guys! She’s going to take off on you! She’s going to find someone else and tell you it’s not your fault! She’s going to leave a useless note on the stairs for when you get home!
Could be worse. Like I said, this could be “Color My World.”
Or “Don’t Disturb This Groove.” *shudder
I have no questions on why this didn’t make an album. Beanbag chairs, making out in the rain, doomed stairs…this is practically a 90’s horror film in the making. And we KNOW what happens to the couple who has sex in horror films.
They die.
Like this song, but worse.
*Figured You Out
Look, taurusangel25 requested one I actually listen to! YAAAAAY!
Noisy girls wouldn’t have you “waitin’, even on a second date,” Brian. So you know. We usually appear in a timely fashion.
Okay, most of the time.
Some of the time.
We might steal Nick’s keys and phone though. Those would sell for a LOT on ebay! We could fund the site for years that way! We could buy a BN corporate building…have offices…a BN hotline you could call…. Wonder if Emma would move TDS corporate offices in with us…we could have the BN/TDS office building. Oooh that sounds fancy. And like a crazy party. We’d invite Nick over, of course—we wouldn’t steal his good stuff and run away.
And I always like diamonds on my hands, that’s not exclusive to being a bad girl. Maxxing out a credit card though…what would I even buy that would drain a BSB account? Okay, Kevin’s I might be able to spend. I could buy Manolos. Or Tiffany. But Brian? He’s got a never-ending stream of scarf money! And Howie’s in real estate! There’s no way I could spend all of Howie’s money! I’d need to buy China!
Or a tropical island.
With Nick on it.
And a lot of lawyers to keep Howie from suing me.
But this isn’t about me.
It is a bouncy song though. And unlike “Hologram”, it does not sound like a BSB strip tease. But “hanging around” like puppets…secret ‘N Sync code? Hmm.
*Trouble
Leave it to the Noisy girls to forget to request their own theme song. We even have a parody of this written!
And we forgot all about it.
This song caused me a lot of “Trouble” when it first leaked. (Really, the BSB ship has a lot of holes in it—should they really be going on a cruise?) I saw “Trouble”, and thought, “oh ‘Trouble Is’. Wait, why is Nick walking around like a predator? ‘Trouble Is’ sounds like a country song! ‘Half naked’? ‘Sexy candle’? I never noticed that about ‘Trouble Is’!”
Yeah. Because it’s not.
Instead the Boys break out enough electronica to spice up a video game, and sing about half naked women who are hot for them. And Nick says either, “she like to model for me,” or “she’d like to modify me.” Given that three Noisy girls can’t think of anything to modify…we’re going with “model for me.”
Then AJ shows up with the infamous “sexy candle” and his “pain is just pleasure with the volume up/I want it louder.” Lots of debate over that one. Marquis de Sade, anyone? We thought AJ was loud anyway—I’m afraid of how loud he might be when he gets loud with his volume up. Can I get a remote with a mute button for that? I’d entertain modeling for Nick, but I don’t want to play with AJ’s volume buttons.
I’ll leave that to Lady V.
“I’m spending all my money on her”—Nick has money left over from “Figured You Out”!
Is he secretly in real estate too? I’ve secretly always thought Kevin probably collects Nick’s check, puts it in the bank, and gives Nick an allowance that goes toward wheatgrass shakes, WoW gnomes, plaid shirts, and neon sneakers. You know, like Backstreet milk money.
Maybe that’s why Nick still has cash to spend.
*Evergreen
Uhhhh, okay Sandra. This is on my ipod because…I don’t know what to do with this. “Dealing out the cards and eating them like ice cream?” If I had ice cream cards, I’d be happy. Wonder what flavor diamonds are.
That’s just downright Alice in Wonderland.
You are not “every hu-man”, Nick. Jen complains about it allll the time.
And your eyes are blue, not green. We’re buying you a mirror for your birthday.
We’re afraid AJ has been taught, and that’s why he knows. We’re also scared of what he knows.
We think the government may want to look into what AJ knows.
And he is not the tallest man. Not even after Kev left, AJ. You don’t fool us!
“The truth is stranger than fiction.” And that was a good movie! This song though…it makes no sense until you yell halfway through, “you’re a walking contradiction!”
And then it only sort of makes sense—aren’t you talking about YOU the whole song? Are you talking to yourself now?
Hmm. “Evergreen.” Ever young? Ever jealous?
Ever make sense?
For some reason, my ipod registers this as “00—Evergreen”, so even my playlist looks like it has huge, shocked, possibly skeptical eyes when it pops up.
That sums it up quite well.
*Helpless
Lboogie has been making Dear BSB requests since the very first letter, and this was her request.
I forget it’s unreleased, because I’m a Nick fan with a song sorting problem…so this is purposely listed as being ON This Is Us in my iTunes.
Because Nick would want it that way. What if he spots a Noisy girl at a concert, sweeps her backstage, and my ipod is in the Noisy rental car they use for the getaway? I don’t want to ruin anyone’s chance because “Helpless” was floating alone in the limbo of “singles” on my playlist!
Not to be confused with “Helpless When She Smiles.” Because none of us did that….
It’s nice to know Nick has a face-shaped hole in his heart. That sounds painful. These guys are like swiss cheese with all the holes they get in them, album after album.
You know, this song should have made the album just so we could see them try to dance to the chorus. They’d have to resort to flailing around at top speed, or jumping up and down like Mexican jumping beans. Heehee.
Of course, Howie gets the sappy verses, and AJ gets the lead-in to the rap.
Really, we just want to know who does the heavy breathing.
*Fallen Angel
Poppy is inflicting this one on me, which makes me think of a sci-fi video. There’d be a dark, Gotham-like city…a girl with big, shiny, ink purple-black wings swooping down on the poor guys as they wander the city. Like a really ticked off harpy.
Because they play in traffic a lot in their videos.
No idea why this one didn’t make an album, because it’s not half bad. It’s better than say, “She’s a Dream.” But most songs are.
Although this is one more song where you “wanna know” something. You guys ask a lot of questions for being a group with AJ in it, who claims to know everything. Even if he is “unglued” in this song.
Oh, and “forever is a long way down.” Because in Backstreetland, “forever” is a measurement of distance, not time. No wonder they get confused and wind up being late—how do you convert minutes into miles?
And then at the end of the video, they’d take the wings off the mean girl, and she’d turn human again, and they’d leave her in the middle of the street! Or put her in a cage!
Wait, no: that’s the Miley Cyrus video.
My bad.
“The only thing worst than emptiness is when your heart’s gone.” Okay, Nick. But what’s that word later? “Bitsopobble?” What’s a “bitsopobble”?!! Is that what happens when you’re heart’s gone and now you’re empty…wait. Your heart’s gone…that’s worse than emptiness…but if your heart’s gone there’s…an empty space…so you ARE empty when your heart’s gone….
My head hurts.
Or maybe it’s my ears. Uggggh, “Love Is”!
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