This piece is of course dedicated to the lovable, so damn huggable, Mr. AJ McLean. Happy 33rd Birthday old man!! *wink* But we would also like to dedicate this piece to a fan of ours named Imke. She was the only one who requested a Christmas present and unfortunately we couldn't get it to her. Plus she always says super nice stuff about us on TDS, lol. And we know she loves her some AJ, so this piece goes out to her as well :)
It was AJ's 33rd birthday, the Backstreet Boys were all at AJ's house in the middle of a different kind of intervention:
Nick: So AJ for you birthday this year, we are gonna pimp you out dawg!
AJ: Pimp me out? You don't like my clothes?? *whimpers*
Howie: You look like an overweight transvestite, Lady Gaga's not a style icon for men.
Nick: Well, we had a discussion about the outfit you wore for the NYE performance, it was not good.
AJ: Oh come on... all white... that's classic! And HOWIE ... DO NOT diss Gaga in my presence!!
Howie: White? You're not Elvis either!
Brian: We would like to add more hair on your head as well if we could, but that's not possible I guess... I tried.
Nick: You were pimpin dude, but in all the wrong ways
AJ: but... but... my monkee likes my clothes!!
Howie: *goes back to counting money*
Leighanne: I think you all need to color coordinate a little more. Maybe something with my face on it!
Brian: Yes wifey, and a Wylee scarf, that would RULE! *high fives wifey*
Leighanne:*high fives Husband* Ooooh, now what color scarf? Hmmmm...
Howie: Hey! I'm missing ten bucks! Nick!
Nick: I needed it Howie, I'm taking AJ shopping first!
Howie: With only 10 bucks? Where are you going? K Mart?
AJ: *Sniffs the air* Do I smell burning??
Nick: Teehee *hides lighter*
AJ:*Runs upstairs to find burning closet* OH GOD NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Howie: You're too late muahahaha
AJ: MY RAINBOW KNEE SOCKS!!!!
Howie: It’s gone! All gone!
Nick: *High fives Howie*
AJ: MY SUSPENDERS!!!!
Brian: *Starts praying* Dear God may this burning clothes go to fashion disaster heaven... * continues on praying*
Leighanne:*Grabs husband's hand and prays with him*
Howie: Don't forget your orange hooter shorts
AJ: MY PIMP CHIC COLLECTION!!!
Brian: *Throws red underpants in the fire* There, this should go as well.
AJ: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! My brightly colored undies!!!!!!!!!! *collapses on the floor and curls up in the fetal position*
Nick: *Laughs like a crazy person*
AJ: It's gone... It's all gone! *wails*
Brian: Somebody get him some pants please? I can see his balls from here... God does not approve!!
Leighanne: You forgot this strange, leather, banana hammock looking contraption *throws it on the fire*
Brian: Yes wife! You're like.....awesome. Marry me again?? Let's have another tacky as hell celebration!! I mean... tacky as heaven!!! *prays*
AJ: AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH! *tries to save it but burns hand* DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!!! How is this a birthday present??
Leighanne: *GASP* AJ!!! *drops to knees and starts praying*
Later on AJ is at the mall with Nick
Nick: AJ I have a few things picked out for you... try on this black wifebeater and tight jeans
AJ: *sigh* That doesn't seem so bad *goes into changing room*
Nick: *shouts through door* I can't keep being the tease of the group so you are going to have to step back up dude
AJ: but I only do that for my monkee now!!
Nick: AJ you ready? Come out here *gets distracted by himself in the mirror*
AJ: *walks out* Nick... stop looking at yourself and pay attention!!
Nick: *pulls some poses in the mirror* Yeah! I'm hawt!
AJ: does this look ok?
Nick: yeah dude that’s totally awesome... now stand next to me in front of the mirror
AJ: ok... are weeeee... wearing the same outfit?
Nick: now watch this and copy ok....
AJ: I'll try
Nick: *sings "Shawty don’t know who I am... she don’t know I’m a celebrity" *puts hands down at the front of pants*
AJ: *sings* "Shawty don't know who I am... she don't ..." whoa whoa WOAH ... you want me to put my hand down my pants??
Nick: yeah AJ go for it! *starts blowing himself kisses* yeah baby that’s hot...
AJ: I haven't done that in YEARS!
Nick: come on you need to start again AJ, you are losing fans dude. You are supposed to be the kinky one!
AJ: But... but... I showed them all my undies on the cruise!! Doesn't that count?!!
Nick: *winks at self* Heeey baby *walks up to self* what’s a good looking man like you doing in a place like this?
AJ: DAMNIT NICK!!! PAY ATTENTION!!
Nick: *looks* yeah AJ try it again... remember you gotta look like you are loving it... Like this... *touches mirror* wanna come home with me?
AJ: *sticks hand in pants reluctantly* It just feels wrong...
Nick: *still looking at self* You look really good, I like the way you wink at me... I know you want it
AJ: okaaaay... this guy is about to make out with himself... I'm outta here!! *starts walking out of the store*
Nick: *serenades mirror with Boys II Men* "I'll make love to you...." *makes out with the mirror*
Meanwhile outside the mall:
Leighanne: *sets up Wylee counter outside the mall* HUSBANDDDDDDD!!!!!
Brian: Sorry Wifey, I was picking some manpurses for AJ!!
Howie: why am I here? I don't like being away from my bathroom for long
Leighanne: But I have plenty HERE! At MY counter!
Howie: *looks at Wylee scarf* you realize how expensive this is?? How about a BSB family discount?
Brian says: Hey there’s AJ! YO Jay!! Over here!!! * smiles and points to Wylee stand right outside the mall*
AJ: Oh great! Heeeeyyyy Brian and Leighanne... What are you guys doing here?
Howie: I'll give you half for this scarf *gets ignored*
Leighanne: AJ hunny, come here! We got LOADS of stuff for you! Don't we Husband?!!!
AJ: GREEEAAATTT! ummm ... so ... this is all Wylee stuff?
Brian: AJ, is Nick still in there? I saw some security going into the mall because there was some guys touching himself....*weird look*
AJ: Nick is a freak
Nick: *gets dragged past by security screaming towards the mall at his mirror* CALL ME!!!!
Leighanne: Ohhhh Nickolas *shakes head and prays for him*
Brian: anyway, wifey is right dude, we got some wonderful stuff for ya here! LOOK, here's a nice PURSE for you!!!
Howie: I'm not paying full price for this! It’s a piece of cloth for God’s sake! This won't keep you warm!
AJ: ummm ... a purse? Really?? I mean ... I thought you said NO girl clothing
Leighanne: Husband, a MURSE! You should know this by now…you've worn enough of them!
Howie: you don't actually use that, do you?
Brian: I...well....she makes me use it!!
AJ: what the fuck is a murse?
Brian: AJ it's just not a purse....it's a MAN PURSE. You can put a lot of stuff in there like....
AJ: stuff like condoms? glitter lube? jello??
Howie: *drops murse* never mind
Brian: *whispers* wifey, help!
Leighanne: It’s a shoulder bag..f.or men. You know, Indiana Jones wore one!
AJ: ya ... Indiana Jones is not really my style ... what else have you got?
Leighanne: It holds IMPORTANT things, like Skittles!
Brian: yes and BIBLES
AJ: oh right ... bibles ... of course *rolls eyes*
Leighanne: ..and plans for your incredibly GREAT vow renewal parties...
AJ: let's get through the wedding first
Brian: AJ buddy, here's a nice t shirt with my wife's face on it, it fits perfectly!! and it's PURPLE! *eating shit grin*
AJ: now ... this shirt looks ok ... who's the hot chick on the front here?
Brian: *grin* Wifey!
Leighanne: Ok…next, We have a beautiful array of scarves here. OOOO look at this pink and purple plaid one! This would look GREAT on you!
Howie: I'll take it!
AJ: I could rock a scarf *ties it around waist*
Howie: oh come on! Not fair, I want it! *jumps up and down*
Brian: You should totally rock a scarf over your egg head!!
Leighanne: Howard!! SHOOO!! We are shopping for AJ here!
AJ: egg head??
Brian: Howie, go buy some condo complex in Florida and let us do our job here!!! In the name of GOD!!!
AJ: No offence Rok but ... look who's talking!!
Brian: AJ, Wylee clothes are blessed by JESUS HIMSELF!! AND they look GOOD!!
AJ: Well that’s good because me and Jesus are homeboys you know ... we both love the gays ... and sex ... and tattoos
Brian: AJ, Jesus does not condone those things, what you do with your ass and skin is none of his business. Believe me or else Leighanne would be burning in hell by now.
AJ: I'm sorry Rok ... I can't believe that ... Jesus loves me just the way I am ... my monkee told me so!!
Brian: Uh Jay....I'm talking about JESUS the MAN, not JESUS the gay Mexican who works at Ivy and has a crush on you...
Leighanne: Hail Mary Mother of God...*prays again*
AJ: I will NOT have you talk about Jesus this way! *storms off*
Brian: AJ!! No!! Stay!! I promise I'll get you a shirt with Monkee's face on it!! Nooooo *yells until voice fades away*
Howie: *swoops in* Come on AJ! We're going shopping
AJ: Alright D ... you’re my last hope at a new wardrobe here.
Howie: Well here we are...Walmart!!!
AJ: Walmart? Come on D ... be REASONABLE!
Howie: Good stuff for reasonable prices. Come on!!!
AJ: But, we're MILLIONAIRES!
Howie: Doesn't mean we need to spend all our money on expensive clothes. Now come on!
AJ: *drags feet*
Howie: See, these are nice clothes, here are some shirts for 4 dollars. Oh hey, look a Miley Cyrus vest!
AJ: Miley is hot ... hmmm ... it's a little tight … *stretches arms and vest rips* ... uh oh!
Howie: *hides vest* I didn't see anything! Now, over here...
AJ: Tube socks?
Howie: No, no tube socks! What is this 1979? Here Oxford socks for 5 bucks a pack
AJ: But ... I need CLOTHES … what am I gonna do with just socks?
Howie: Good point! Which is why we need to keep looking
AJ: *whines* But this store is so biiiig ... and it smelllsss ... and these people are WEIRD!
Howie: This coming from you?
Howie: *throws a pile of clothes into AJ's arms* Go try these on. Just ask the nice lady with the moustache
AJ: Oh my GOD! She doesn't have a shirt on!!! Her tits are just tucked into her pants!!!
*runs into the change room to hide*
Howie: Hey! If I am not the least bothered by that man in the garter you can handle it!
AJ: *comes out of the change room* ... Well?? *turns*
Howie: Very nice! I actually have that outfit!
AJ: Uh D ... I think these pants are giving me a rash …
Howie: Yeah sure, it’s the pants!!
AJ: It is!! Can we PLEASE go somewhere else?
Howie: Okay, fine. We actually have one more surprise, so hurry up and change!
AJ says: *calls Rochelle from inside the change room* Baby ... Ya ... it’s a disaster … Victoria Secret is right across the hall ... Meet me over there? … Ok … I gotta go!
Howie: Hurry up! You're going to miss the surprise! *drags AJ out of the mall*
AJ: Howie ... look ... a sale on ties!!! *tries to escape*
Howie: Yeah ... but too pricey! Let’s go!
AJ: But … but ... look! It's cotton tighty whities 3 for a dollar!! *tries to escape again*
Howie: I don't wear those anymore, they crush your balls
AJ: That could be ... fun...
Howie: Ya, if you're Brian
AJ: BAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Good one D! Um … are we at Brian’s house?
Howie: *rings the doorbell*
Brian: * opens the door and blesses AJ with the cross sign* Hello! We have a nice surprise for you bro. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did. *takes a big gulp of rum and coke*
AJ: Did you just bless me??
Leighanne: He did. Now come on! *bounces*
Brian: I saw the Walmart bags and felt sorry for you.
AJ: *steps inside* so, what's the big surprise??
Leighanne: This way! *grabs AJ's hand and drags him through the house towards the backyard*
AJ: Oh no! I saw your new pool already! And I really don't wanna watch Baylee dive again! That was an hour of my life I’ll never get back!
Howie: I'll be in the bathroom if anyone needs me
Leighanne: Just close your eyes sweetie. Husband, grab his other hand. His feet are planted like last year’s tomato plants!
AJ: Close my eyes?? Look, I love you guys but ... I'm engaged ... I really can't be involved in anymore of your S&M fantasies
Brian: *blushes* I cherish those moments....but NO!! That's not it!!! Just come with me dude, I'm getting dizzy from the booze, the cruise in December got me hooked on margaritas!!!
Nick: *leaps out with a can of Red Bull in hand* SURPRISE!!!!!!!!!!! I busted out dude! Those mall cops ain’t got nothin’ on me!
AJ: AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH! HOWIE JESUS NICK! You almost gave me a heart attack!!
Brian: HAPPY BIRTHDAY AJ!!! THANK YOU LORD FOR THIS MOMENT!!!
Nick: HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!! *licks finger and sticks it in AJ’s ear*
AJ: EW!!! *pushes Nick away*
Leighanne: Nickolas Gene Carter! Stop that right now!
Brian: Nick, wife is gonna block you on twitter!!!!
Nick: NO! Please don’t do that! No! Sorry Leighanne *pouts*
Leighanne: Just watch your mouth mister! *shakes finger at Nick*
AJ: So this is the surprise? Nick is out of jail and high on Red Bull?
Nick: AJ! Look what they got for you man!
AJ: Are those ... synchronized swimmers??
Brian: SYCHRONIZED SWIMMERS FROM HEAVEN!!!!!
AJ: Oh ... woooowwwww ... that's um ... great guys!
Leighanne: They were such a big hit at our anniversary party we decided to give them to you too!!
Brian: *jumps up and down* I know, right?? Gotta LOVE those funny looking ladies!!!
Nick: *catches sight of reflection in pool* Hey ... it’s you again ... you stalking me sexy?
Brian: OH LOOK!!! It's KEVIN!!! Oh Lord, you're so AWESOME!!!
Kevin: Hey! Happy Birthday, AJ!
AJ: *starts crying with joy* Best surprise ever!!
Brian: What brings you here, cousin???
Kevin: Hot Topic brings me here. I'm the new spokesperson.
Brian says: Cousin!! You got a job?!!!! That's wonderful!! God really works miracles!!!
Kevin: I did. And I brought AJ a $10,000 gift card.
AJ: *runs to hug Kevin* I LOVE YOU MAN!!!!
Kevin: *hugs AJ* I love you too!
Leighanne: *hugs AJ and Kevin*
Brian: Jesus loves us all!! *joins group hug*
Nick: *runs at the hugging group* Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!! *pushes everyone in the pool*
Leighanne: MY HAIR!!!!!!
Nick: *jumps in the pool*
Howie: And now you know why I stay in the bathroom *opens can of beer and turns on mini TV*